not so gay

[jackie f taylor]

I never gave it a thought, 13, 14, yrs old, living at home, 1968, with my siblings, I knew I was different. later I realized, 18 or so, that I was gay, my brothers & sisters, nieces, nephew's got married, had kids, lived the life they loved, had it all. I thought I had it all, I met a wonderful guy, fell head over heals, made a life with him, had a lovely home, great family, friends, loving dog, and my entire family accepted it all, his family maybe suspected, but it was never mentioned.

As we grew older, he got sick, then he died, he was only 46, after 23 years, I was alone again, I never gave it a thought, what it would be like, in my "golden years", to live in a world where my parents have passed on, his parents, gone, some brothers, sisters, dogs, all gone. I'm alone, friends have passed, I had no kids, so now I have no one. To be old, single, and no one to share old age with, who has known me all my adult years, & accepts me, as the old man I have become. The biggest thing is, no kids, nothing going on from one week to the next. I watch my brothers, sisters, they have a life, cause their kids give them life, with the grandkids, and their friends, the gatherings, I'm envious,

In 1968, well to be honest, till 1997, you could not be in a relationship with a guy and be accepted at home, work, school, no where. Now, anywhere, any job, any anything, you can be gay, in a relationship, even have kids, and your protected by the laws, it's wonderful, I wish my partner would have lived to see it. He was a teacher at some of the local schools, and would have been fired.

But if we were able, protected by law, we would have had kids, a living legacy of us to live on and to be with and enjoy . We could have a family too, today you can do that, back then, you couldn't, so I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I used to run home from school, cause guys would fight with me, cause of who I am, my older brother used to go out and talk to them, pursued them to not hurt me, and leave me be. Thank god, times have changed. Too late for me, but wonderful for the up & coming gay, lesbian, bi=sexual & transgender brothers & sisters we have and enjoy

Lets be honest, we all have, or had sex, some more barzzar than others, but it was ok, Just that are partners differ maybe from yours, not a big deal, why it took 200 years to realize it, I wish I knew. so, feeling "not so gay"

[Brian Essi]

Jackie,

I admire your courage in this post.

By way of example, I am headed to my 35 year college reunion in Massachusetts this year. My friend Todd did not come out until after his mother died and the law allowed him to marry his partner. I was surprised when he shared this with me several years ago--I has never considered that until he told me. Most of the guys we hung out with still don't know because he does not keep in touch with most of them. Looking back at what Todd must have dealt with within our circle of friends (and the rest of the world) in the late 70's and early 80's gives me pause.

We were all clueless while he was likely in great conflict and pain.

[jackie f taylor]

Thank you, I'm having a much better day, I regret my posting, I feel, I gave too much information, I tried to edit or delete my post, I even wrote the LO and ask if and how I could edit or delete it, I've not had any response, I wonder why?

[Dan Alaimo]

Jackie, when your post appeared on the Deck, I was very glad you shared it. I thought it was very insightful and thought-provoking, except I wasn't sure how to respond sensitively, which Brian did nicely. Aging is hell in our culture and you've revealed another aspect of it. Thank you!

[jackie f taylor]

In 1996, he died, 46 years old, it was a shock to his family, to realize that he was gay and in a relationship with me, it was a shock to me, even though I knew his was sick, #1 problem, I couldn't inherit our property, without a will, we had multiple properties, I had to pay his family off to retain them, I had to buy his vehicle, his family wanted his property, but after consulting with them, they let the rest of it be. They have maintained our relationship, and I am thankful, it is a life I would not otherwise have.

Today, you can be gay, out in public and protected by laws, it's wonderful. Everyone has to let me be who I am, but at this point, I'm a single old man, with no kids, no life and no meaning. I attend family gatherings, and I sit alone, without a partner, without kids, a third thumb. They all have kids, grandkids, picnics, cookouts, birthdays, they have pictures of there kids in there wallets, I have pictures of projects I've completed, and pictures of my dog, who I truly love, but when it comes down to it, I have nothing but memories.

So what I'm saying is, if your gay, and in a responsible relationship and in the position to foster or adopt kids, do it. Hopefully you will have a life, if anything drastic happens to your significant other. feeling "not so gay"

I tried to delete or edit this post, and find that I cannot, so I figure I may as well just go with it, sorry to bring you down, but these are the facts, and my life now. We all have a story to tell, this is mine. What's yours?

[Dan Alaimo]

I tried to delete or edit this post, and find that I cannot,

I'm glad you didn't. Thanks, Jackie.

[Michael Deneen]

I am glad you made the post, Jackie.

It's always good for us straight folks to hear from the gay community. I wish more folks would submit articles to the print edition.
I especially wish someone from the trans community would speak up on current events...there have been attempts to demonize that community in recent months.

The more that people hear from their neighbors, the more they begin to learn and understand differences.

[m buckley]

In 1996, he died, 46 years old, it was a shock to his family, to realize that he was gay and in a relationship with me, it was a shock to me, even though I knew his was sick, #1 problem, I couldn't inherit our property, without a will, we had multiple properties, I had to pay his family off to retain them, I had to buy his vehicle, his family wanted his property, but after consulting with them, they let the rest of it be. They have maintained our relationship, and I am thankful, it is a life I would not otherwise have.

Today, you can be gay, out in public and protected by laws, it's wonderful. Everyone has to let me be who I am, but at this point, I'm a single old man, with no kids, no life and no meaning. I attend family gatherings, and I sit alone, without a partner, without kids, a third thumb. They all have kids, grandkids, picnics, cookouts, birthdays, they have pictures of there kids in there wallets, I have pictures of projects I've completed, and pictures of my dog, who I truly love, but when it comes down to it, I have nothing but memories.

So what I'm saying is, if your gay, and in a responsible relationship and in the position to foster or adopt kids, do it. Hopefully you will have a life, if anything drastic happens to your significant other. feeling "not so gay"

I tried to delete or edit this post, and find that I cannot, so I figure I may as well just go with it, sorry to bring you down, but these are the facts, and my life now. We all have a story to tell, this is mine. What's yours?

Jackie, This is such a powerful post. Thank you.

[jackie f taylor]

1966, Junior High School, Williams Dean Howells, I was 14, one guy was chasing me on my way home, he caught up with me and we got into a fight, I kicked his ass, no one ever bothered me again. Later I went to West Tech, and my personality came with me, I remember in typing class, the teacher displayed our typing skills in the hallway, posted on colored paper, I ask if my background paper could be pink, she stated " pink is for girls". ok,

After High School, graduation, school is finally over, forever, I'm free, at one of the local gay bars, I ran into some of the guys I knew in high school who made my life miserable, and there they were! I ask, why did you bully me? They replied, to save myself. What?

I had friends in high school that I would hang out with, mostly at their homes on weekends, they all enticed me to do something, I was afraid, I wouldn't. Come Monday morning, word around school was that I tried something with someone. What? I never told the "real truth".

I suspect my problem was, I tried to hide the fact that I was gay, some of the gay kids at school would scream gay, they were accepted, I was not. I played sports, did all the normal straight guy things, even dated a girl, but had this secret...

[jackie f taylor]

Wow, just sitting here watching "Wheel of Fortune" Pat Sayjack is interviewing the 3 contestants, he gets to this guy named Joe, Joes says, Hi, I'm from Philadelphia, I work for the government and I've been married to my partner, Ron for 1 and a half years... amazing, I never thought I'd see/hear that on National TV.

[Stan Austin]

jackie-- I don't think anybody here would have a quarrel with anybody's sexual orientation but "Wheel of Fortune"? seriously?
Stan Austin