Cleveland-Lakewood merger - You read it hear first!

[DougHuntingdon]

I just saw this on channel 19. Does anyone have any more info? Maybe this is political fallout from Councilman Demro's recent youtube speech in which he stressed the importance of regionalism? You should be careful what you wish for!

Mayor Jackson's spokeswoman stated the merger would create a better life for all living in Cleveland and what is currently known as Lakewood. Each city's council will vote on the proposal later this month. She went on to state that this merger would help infuse direly needed cash into the poorest city in America, while at the same time feeding inner-ring Lakewood's unquenchable thirst for more arts. (Lakewood residents will receive free passes to all Cleveland-based institutions for the first year after the merger and discounted passes after that.)

Mayor George stated that amalgamation has been very successful in other world-renowned cities such as Toronto, Omaha, New York, and Hot Springs Arkansas, and there is no reason why it would not be just as successful for Lakewood (and Cleveland). When asked about the potential harmful effects of merging the ghettos of Clevleand with Lakewood, the mayor stated "Cleveland is Lakewood's best friend, like it or not." Some political pundits on a site known as lakewoodinsect.com felt the move by Lakewood's mayor was a pre-emptive strike against up-and-coming Lakewood Councilman Demro, who recently announced his candidacy for mayor. A source inside Lakewood's Democratic Commitee who wished to remain anonymous stated "haha Mr. Demro can run for mayor all he wants, but guess what there will no longer be a position of mayor of Lakewood." Under the new government, Mayor George is likely to be appointed to Vice-Mayor where he would act as de-facto city manager of Lakewood until the merger has been fully implemented.

Some other details:
1. Lakewood's refuse manager will administrate the trash collection for the newly created city. Cleveland residents will no longer have to put their trash at the curb, as the popular Cushmans will be used.
2. All Cleveland students who are thrown out of the Cleveland schools for criminal reasons will be moved to the Lakewood school system's new School of Hard Knocks for At Risk Youth, which is secretly being planned for the tennis court area on the north side of Madison. Their meals will be cooked by the chef of Venezia, which took over The Chat Room space...apparently this was part of the deal when they signed their lease.
3. Cutbacks in the Lakewood police force are expected, as the yellow shirts of the Downtown Cleveland Partnership will be expanding to cover Detroit and Madison avenues. They will no longer be patrolling just on foot and bicycles, though. Since Lakewood always has the need to feel special, they will be using federal grant money to purchase 15 new Segway zero-emission human transport vehicles, specially customized to handle Lakewood's sidewalks.
4. Cleveland will benefit from Lakewood's Citistat software license. To the dismay of govstat, who was previously trying to sell Citistat to Cleveland, the one Citistat license will be good for the newly created city that will cover both areas, costing govstat potential sales.

Other tentative ideas include using eminent domain to buy out the early homeowners of Rockport and turning the entire project into Section 8. A deal is being brokered between CMHA and Forest City as we speak, whereas CMHA will own the land and buildings but Forest City will be paid a management fee to maintain the property. Sam Miller was not available for comment, as he is presently attending a Knicks game in New York with Spike Lee.

Doug

[Mike Deneen]

You missed the best part.....as part of the merger, the Plain Dealer will be rebranded, and publisher Doug Clifton has named Jim OBryan as editor-in-chief of the new "Plain Observer". "PD circulation has been falling for years" says Clifton, "we decided to bring in some new blood".

Gordon Brumm and Kevin O'Brien will be teaming up to lead the editorial page.

Bob Ignizio has been officially named the new "Minister of Culture", although he expressed concern about how he'll look with a pony tail.

New sports editor Mike Deneen announced that all resources will be directed to high school sports. "Let's face it, none of the pro teams will ever win, so why bother covering them?" says Deneen.

The entire Arts and Life section will be replaced by ads for adoptable pets and recipes from Chef Geoff.

In an effort to cut costs, the entire PD photography staff has been laid off and replaced by Ivor. "Sure, there's a lot of ground to cover" says Ivor, "but I'll be out of high school soon so I'll have plenty of time".

[Stan Austin]

And I'm going to age 40 years overnight and be the new (old) Brent Larkin!

[David Lay]

Does that mean I'll be Ivor's assistant?

[Kenneth Warren]

The only problem is Lakewood is one fool short of the full deck. Steve Gross, the urban studies scholar deigned to lead the charge with Lakewood's first kiss annexation to West 115th, has left the deck for Minneapolis, the Scandanavian ur-mother of America's regionalism.

Kenneth Warren

[Ryan Patrick Demro]

It's posts like this that make Lakewood politics fun. I hope we see more in the future.

[Ivor Karabatkovic]

haaaaaaaaah

[Mark Crnolatas]

I told everyone a Lakewood to E.105 air-cushion ferry would be the hot ticket real soon. See?


Crnolatas Allan Mark