When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, congress allotted $12 billion to NASA scientists who took over a decade to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Mark Allan Crnolatas
Jokes We Like ("Clean" Jokes Only Please)
Moderator: Jim O'Bryan
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Mark Crnolatas
- Posts: 400
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:32 pm
- Location: Lakewood, Ohio
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Bret Callentine
- Posts: 571
- Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2006 3:18 pm
- Location: Lakewood
Two campers were walking along a trail to their intended campsite when they looked up and in the distance ahead saw a large Grizzly bear. As the bear turned and saw the campers, it reared up gave a loud, menacing growl and began to charge toward the two men. Immediately one of the campers dropped his backpack and began to quickly change his shoes from hiking boots to the sneakers he had also brought. His friend, looking on in disbelief, said, "what are you doing? even with sneakers, you can't outrun a grizzly bear!", to which the camper replied; "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
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Mark Crnolatas
- Posts: 400
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:32 pm
- Location: Lakewood, Ohio
..
After the thread on street names which evolved to all the other things, I thought a humor thread might also be a break in seriousness.
If by putting it on the local part of the Deck, where the street name game was, was inappropriate or different in some way, I apologize.
Was it moved for a particular reason, so I do not repeat a mistake?
Mark Allan Crnolatas
If by putting it on the local part of the Deck, where the street name game was, was inappropriate or different in some way, I apologize.
Was it moved for a particular reason, so I do not repeat a mistake?
Mark Allan Crnolatas
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Stephen Eisel
- Posts: 3281
- Joined: Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:36 pm
A liberal was in a hot air balloon, and realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
The woman hollered down, "You must be a conservative."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the woman, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be liberal."
"I am," replied the woman "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the man. "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
The woman hollered down, "You must be a conservative."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the woman, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be liberal."
"I am," replied the woman "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the man. "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
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Gary Rice
- Posts: 1651
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- Location: Lakewood
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Phil Florian
- Posts: 538
- Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 4:24 pm
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Bill Call
- Posts: 3317
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:10 pm
Joke
Two men were hunting bear in the back hills of Pennsylvania.
They were good friends and had hunted in the same woods for years.
As they stalked a large black bear one of the men collapsed to the ground.
His friend made a frantic call to 911. "We're in the woods in the middle of nowhere and my friend has collapsed. I think he's dead!!!
The operator responded, "Sir, we are here to help. Just calm down. Now, before I can tell you what you need to do you need to make sure that your friend is dead".
The hunter replied, "UHH, ok."
A few seconds later the operator heard two shots ring out. "OK, now what?" said the hunter.
They were good friends and had hunted in the same woods for years.
As they stalked a large black bear one of the men collapsed to the ground.
His friend made a frantic call to 911. "We're in the woods in the middle of nowhere and my friend has collapsed. I think he's dead!!!
The operator responded, "Sir, we are here to help. Just calm down. Now, before I can tell you what you need to do you need to make sure that your friend is dead".
The hunter replied, "UHH, ok."
A few seconds later the operator heard two shots ring out. "OK, now what?" said the hunter.
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Stan Austin
- Contributor
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- Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:02 pm
- Contact:
Bill, that's sick. Very funny though. Stan-
Bill Call
- Posts: 3317
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:10 pm
Ha
Stan Austin wrote:Bill, that's sick.
Heh, Heh, Heh...
What make something funny?
Groucho Marx was once asked what made a gag funny. As I remember it he responded by saying:
An amateur thinks its funny if you dress up a man like an old lady, put him in a wheel chair and push him down a flight of stairs.
A professional knows that for that gag to be really funny it has to be a real old lady.
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Bill Davis
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:28 pm
George W. was visiting an elementary school while a fifth grade English class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Bush if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy."
Mr.Bush asked the class for "an example of a tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says George W., "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained George W., "that's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Mr.Bush searched the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raised his hand, in a quiet voice he said, "If you and your staff, Mr. Bush were flying in Air Force One and all killed after being shot down by Friendly Fire, that would certainly be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy ... because it wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Mr.Bush asked the class for "an example of a tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says George W., "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained George W., "that's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Mr.Bush searched the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raised his hand, in a quiet voice he said, "If you and your staff, Mr. Bush were flying in Air Force One and all killed after being shot down by Friendly Fire, that would certainly be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy ... because it wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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Dustin James
- Posts: 234
- Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:59 pm
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
.
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Dustin James
- Posts: 234
- Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:59 pm
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Dustin James
- Posts: 234
- Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:59 pm
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Dustin James
- Posts: 234
- Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:59 pm
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Dustin James
- Posts: 234
- Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:59 pm
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more …
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but…
… He's a dead ringer for his brother."
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more …
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but…
… He's a dead ringer for his brother."
.