An Apology From the Mayor of Wakelood

[Greg Murray]

An apology to the residents of the fictitious city of Wakelood, a city that bans certain dogs, by the fictitious Mayor


I’m sorry. WE are sorry.

The writing was on the wall and we missed it….many many times.

The dog ban shouldn’t have even passed with the 6-1 council vote in 2008. It should have been a 0-7 vote. If we did our research instead of making a knee jerk reaction to some terrible incidents and if we didn't listen to a fear mongering councilperson that was pushing this bound to fail law, we would be in a much better spot than we are today. But hey, here we are!! Ah, what a few weeks!! LOL.

I mean, look at all the chances we had that said, “Hey, this is a really crappy law that won’t work.”

2008 - Wakelood goes after a dog named Lacey saying that she was a “pit.” There was no appeal process at the time. Oops. Almost 3 years later, lot’s of stress for Lacey’s family, lawyers, money, etc…Lacey was cleared. She didn't even have pit in her. Oops! LOL. (what does LOL even mean? I see it used a lot when funny things happen:) Sorry Lacey and family! Our bad. We won’t let this happen again...

2009 - Wakelood official tases a white boxer that the city insisted had “pit” in it. Yeah, most people can’t even identify them…we know. Just a scared white boxer that got out of it’s yard unfortunately. The dog and it’s human moved to Cleveland after this. Bye bye!

2009 - Wakelood officials stop a 20 yr military veteran because of the way his dog looks. Even after a DNA test showed his dog wasn’t a pit, the city continued to harass and bully him. He moved out of Wakelood then sued the city and won his suit. Thanks for your military service! Good luck in life!

The city has approved dogs that were over 50% thinking they were 50% or under “pit.” We’ve approved the very dogs that we banned because identification can be so difficult. We should have seen that coming. There are dogs that are majority “pit” that don’t even look it. I mean, “pits” are really just mutts anyways. There are dogs under 50% “pit” that look more “pit” than dogs with over 50%. Science I tell ya!! It's an amazing thing. Speaking of science, have you heard the Neil deGrasse Tyson podcast? One word...AMAZEBALLS.

There are other stories I could share of this law failing miserably, but I don’t have the time. I’m busy finalizing this Farly dog issue. You’ve seen those signs right? "I’m With Farly." This is the last incident. After 9 years, we are not ignoring the fact that this law simply doesn’t work. It doesn’t make Lakewood safer. Sorry Farly and family. We must stop messing with good people and good dogs just because they have blocky heads.

All that money we’ve wasted on lawsuits! Ah!! All that time we’ve wasted on good residents and good dogs! I mean, we pushed out a 20 yr military veteran and his dog. I feel terrible for that. I apologize on behalf of the City of Wakelood. We could have used all that money and time over the past 9 years on education, communication, increased enforcement of breed-neutral laws, access to services, etc…Damn, we missed that boat! LOL! (was that the right use of LOL?)

But let’s move forward. This HIGHLY SUBJECTIVE law has no place in government and we are going to make changes in the City of Wakelood. Look at all the municipalities repealing bans! It’s 2017 and we need to join them. All the states too! Delaware just became state number 22 that bans municipalities from implementing dog bans. Oh yeah, our state! In 2012, the state of Brohio said it would no longer would deem “pits” vicious based on looks. Dogs would only be deemed vicious/dangerous based on actions.

Almost done! Let me apologize to the dogs. We apologize to the good dogs that sit in shelters waiting for their forever home. Dog bans send the wrong message to many people. They say “pits are dangerous, stay away from them.” Or “we know you like pits, but if you live here, they’re not welcome. So be sure to not adopt one. And if you adopt a puppy and it turns out to be majority “pit,” oh well! Time to get rid of your family pet you raised.”

Granted, there are other issues at hand when it comes to all these dogs in the shelters. Uneducated owners, owners without the best access to services, bad owners, some that just don’t know better because that’s how they were raised. But let’s help change this! Let’s focus on communication, education, companion animal safety campaigns and better access to services. Let’s take all that wasted time and money and put it to something that makes a difference. Change I tell ya!!

Effective today, we are going to repeal the ban and institute a plan to better enforce stronger breed-neutral laws. We are increasing our Animal Control budget, hiring another ACO possibly and investing in communication and educational programs that will help make Wakelood safer for ALL humans and ALL animals. I know, there's no magic wand to decrease dog bites to zero. But we can make our city safer than it is now. Let's do this together! One Wakelood!!

Love them all

Your Mayor

[Bridget Conant]

Definitely a fantasy post because the real mayor here would NEVER admit he made a mistake.

[Michael Deneen]

Those of us familiar with this city hall know that it is utterly incapable of feeling any regret or shame.