Connection/Chat Room - Needed

[Jim O'Bryan]

Announcement

The LO has been extremely lucky at finding motivated people to work together for similar goals and in an effort to make Lakewood, more of a community.

I would be interested in hearing from some people that would be willing to work together to bring back an area for teens to go, and hang out, talk, discuss life, problems, etc.

In the 70s, Heidi Hilty, DL, Bill Davis, and myself helped with a project started by a Teacher at Lakewood High Walt Hopkins, to create Connection in conjunction with the YMCA. It was a place where teens could get away, and talk. What made it work I would like to think is that there was an adult, that could help keep things on the right path.

Much later The Chat Room started, and while it was a great place, it never seemed to catch on, nor steer, the way Connection steered. However it was needed, appreciated and is now gone.

Lakewood, needs this. Every city needs this.

If anyone is interested, please drop me an email, private message or stop by the office.

peace

[Justine Cooper]

I think Lakewood really needs it. What about where Rego shut down? It is roomy and there is a parking lot! Any bailout money for kids? I am in on any help you need. I see too many depressed, ignored, neglected and suicidal teens right here in Lakewood.

[Thealexa Becker]

When I was in sixth grade my class tried to promote the Chat Room and think of ways to save it. Students just are not interested in that sort of thing. Most of the time, the adults that run it are out of touch with what students are really into, or they find the activities boring. Also, a lot of the kids who would go are too young to drive because the ones that can just go wherever they want. So while it sounds like a good idea in practice, it is a formidable task to actually implement because of the little interest and the fact that a lot of kids just think the idea is lame.

[Jim O'Bryan]

Thealexa Becker

I could not agree more with you. One reason I reluctantly entered the Chat Room into the mix.

Connection on the other hand had a very different experience. It was very much run by teens in every way shape and form, with an adult, "in close proximity" to the action.

Where the Chat Room tried to channel kids energy, Connection tried to assist teens in building and constructing what they needed in their social circles.

One thing I have noticed is that rarely do efforts to reach out to teens, really accepted by the teens that need that intervention.

This is much more what I am looking into.

Trust, is the factor.


Justine

As always thank you, you have a perfect background with your degree, in helping with this.

.


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[Justine Cooper]

I do agree Jim that the kids that need it the most are the ones to least reach for it often, but not always. Boys and Girls clubs around the country have been said to help many a youth as they grow up and credit the centers. I don't know much about the chat room but that my son did not want to go.

I do have to disagree though with the comment Thealexa that all adults are out of touch with all children. You couldn't be more wrong since many adults, including myself, went through many of the same issues I see teens going through. And many teens or kids are really looking for an adult to talk to and relate to since they don't all have it at home. I didn't have many mentors in my teen years but the few adults who took the time to care and listen still stand out so I wouldn't discredit those relationships.

[Justine Cooper]

Also if they had a place to go then maybe so many wouldn't hang around with the younger kids on the playgrounds, making out under slides and cussing within earshot of every kid.

[Missy Limkemann]

you know i think it would be a great idea. make it something enjoyable. i could even brig up some dogs just for something to do, animals are proven therapy for a lot of people and for a lot of issues. more importantly there are those "special" kids that need somewhere to go so they can talk, and we all know "parents just don't understand" ...if i can help in anyway, i am there!!!

[Thealexa Becker]

I didn't say that all adults were out of touch, but many of them are. If the adults that did care and understood teenagers were around more often that would be a wonderful thing for the community.

But what I wonder is how any kind of teen community room can be sponsored successfully where there is so little communication with high school students? Unless you are parent, most people don't know what's going on.

I think a community room is good idea, but it would require a great deal of planning and involvement from community members other than the same handful of parents that show up to PTA.

Perhaps this is too cynical, but I've seen far too many good intentioned plans fall to the wayside because no one followed through.

[Jim O'Bryan]

Perhaps this is too cynical, but I've seen far too many good intentioned plans fall to the wayside because no one followed through.

Community Room?

I would agree with you.

Not at all what I am speaking of.

This is a tad different and a tad more involved.

The premise, and this might bother some that read this. But as a teenager, far more together than most I would love to hear your thoughts.

A teenager, or young adult does or thinks of anything bad, from drugs, to crime, to pregnancy, to contemplating suicide.

Would a teen rather talk with a teacher, doctor, lawyer, police officer, or a "trained" contemporary that can at least talk to that teen, on their level and immediately help them think through that problem or issue. At the same time, that person has to be aware enough to know that at any time they may need to proved immediate professional intervention, and where to get that for that teen immediately, if needed.

I am not looking for cool, I a thinking of a safe zone real and virtual to save lives, in more ways than just physically. To be honest, I am not talking of hang-outs, though Connection grew to allow people to "crash" there from 6 to 10 at night I think. Teens, with an adult would work the phones until 3 am I remember correctly. If you were working the phones it was a great place to do homework, and on the good nights the phone would hardly ring. But on some nights, it never stopped.

I am not aiming to the group of teens at Phoenix, the skate park, kaufamn park, etc. I looking for that teen that screwed up and has no where to turn. That teen that needs just one person, to ask why? That one person that says, "sleep on it tomorrow might be better."

Make sense?

Did you say I have a problem following through?


.

[Ivor Karabatkovic]

I know that the Lakewood Teen Health Center offers great services for any teen that is in need of help, guidance, whatever it may be (whatever the reason).

If anyone has a family member or friend that you think might need assistance, be proactive and ask them to go get help. Tell them if it makes them more comfortable, you will go with them. Or they can bring a friend. It works.

That's where I went after my first (and only) trip back to Bosnia and Germany.

Speaking from experience, I know that admitting I needed some kind of help, and then getting it, was the biggest step I had to take. It was the most important one to take.

There is this stigma about going to the "shrink" that makes teens think of sitting on a coach and balling your eyes out. It's false. Don't let your kids or friends believe that. Show them that they are not weak by asking for help, but they are strong and courageous.

I like the idea of having a place for teens to go for help, but I immediately thought of the Teen Health Center because that's where I went. And it's still there too.

Thealexa,
You crack me up! You are a mini-me. Did you plan to stage any protests yet about how badly the Board of Education and the Administration is treating it's students? Maybe I've got a +1UP on you there.

I was just like you, until I became more aware of how parents and adults think these days...by interacting with them more, and taking on more of an adult life. I always felt that adults don't understand kids. And I'll give you credit, to some degree, they don't. Here's how:

The reasons for stress, anxiety, depression, whatever emotion we teens may feel today, are different than the reasons that made our parents feel these same emotions. But these are the same emotions that our older siblings, our parents, our grandparents, and great-grandparents felt too. While the times and circumstances are different, one thing we will always have in common is that we all have the same emotions.

Think of it this way. Our older siblings were teens in the 90's, where Kurt Cobain led the way to the highest rate of suicide attempts in a long, long time. Our parents, growing up as teens in the 60's, had war and civil rights on their mind. "Hey hey LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?" Our grandparents had two wars, civil rights, and the Great Depression. Our younger siblings will have to worry about the debts of the war in Iraq, No Child Left Behind, etc. etc. The cycle goes on. The reason for the emotions change, but the emotion stays the same. It's life. A cycle.

So when you think that Adults don't understand, maybe they don't understand the reason. But I'll bet you that they've all been to a point where they have not seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Or to a point where they see no end to school work, or juggling an overwhelming school, work, friends, family schedule. Also, I guarantee you that they understand you better than you understand yourself.

You're just like me when I was a senior in high school. Feisty.

I thought I was born knowing everything too. I thought about a lot of things. After taking a step back and actually listening, mostly to my parents, my brother, Jim, Gary Rice, Bob Rice, I've learned that a) I know nothing, b) that my parents know everything, and c) that as much as I might hate hearing the advice my parents and adults in my life give me, they will always be right. I DESPISED the fact that they were always right, and that they could read me like an open book. Why? Because I thought they didn't understand me. I thought I was onto something new that no one has felt before. The deepest of depressions, the highest of thrills, the loneliest loneliness ever been given to a human. But really, they've been in my shoes. They've all felt that. It's a cycle. And we will do our part when we have our own families to give our kids advice on how to handle these same emotions.

A parent will know when something is wrong with A child without speaking a word. It doesn't have to be their own child. If you've ever been in despair, you will recognize it in other people in an instant. You don't need words to communicate something like despair, or pain, or any emotion. You need your eyes and your heart.

Trust me, Adults get it. A lot better than we get ourselves. We might have to do our part and try to communicate the reasons better so that they can understand what's causing us to feel this way, but despair is despair, whether it be here, in Bosnia, in the Gaza, or China. Loneliness is loneliness here and everywhere else where there is a human soul.

Thealexa, before you bite back with a post about how cliche, or stupid, or wrong my advice to you is, because I know you think you've heard it all before, just know that one day you will be caught in the same spot and you'll be giving the same advice. The cycle continues. When you do that, you'll think of me and laugh. Just like I'm thinking of Jim, Gary, and my dad right now because they passed this advice down to me.

Take a second to just listen to advice. Don't analyze, don't fire back. People are not trying to harm you, no need for a wall or layer of defense. Take your guard down..I know you have it, I've seen it many times over the years. I know I had it too, and still do in certain situations.

I've spent many afternoons looking at youtube videos with Jim, just laughing, and listening to a bunch of stories. I've spend many afternoons and evenings with Gary and Bob Rice, hearing them talk about a million subjects. I've spent an afternoon with Mr. Wheeler, just listening about all the great art and literature that have inspired him. Everyone brings something to the table. Everyone has a million life stories and experiences...and if you're willing to step back and listen, and observe, you will find that life is much more enjoyable. I'll tie this story back to my days of therapy. The very first thing my counselor made me do was to accept any compliments with a simple "thank you" and a smile. The rule was I couldn't give a compliment back. I think the same exercise could be applied when Adults talk to teens. Don't doubt everything all the time, just smile, and say thank you for the advice.

When we talked about school at Bela Dubby that tuesday evening, I couldn't help but chuckle at how much you remind me of myself. It was a great learning experience for me. Sort of like the "Gestallt Therapy" process...because now I can see what it's like for Jim and others when they give me advice. It's dangerous!

I've spent a long time firing back, and I've learned it gets me nowhere fast. I've posted 1392 posts on the Deck since August of 2006. the first 500 were bullets from a firing squad, the next 500 were shots from a sniper that picks and chooses the right time to fire a round, the next 389 were ramblings from a tired, old man, that was too old to care, and the last three were Notes from Gary Rice's banjo. Progress.

I could go on for days. This post ended up being very therapeutic for me. I've had a rough few days...so if my rambling doesn't make any sense, I apologize, but at least I ended up with something out of it!

To all,
We have a universal language called emotion. It's the only way we can all understand each other. A smile is a smile everywhere. Remember to give everyone you see a smile, because you don't know what hidden battles they are enduring today.

[Ivor Karabatkovic]

Jesus, that's a long post.

It didn't look THAT long in the preview!

my bad.

[Jim O'Bryan]

Ivor

You never cease to make me proud to know you.

BUT, the other night a 15 year old girl hung herself in the basement of her Lakewood home. Her 12 year old sister found her, and ran next door screaming and crying to get her neighbor, who cut her down and called police. It was not the first time she tried. Mom, now divorced, was working to pay the bills. As of last night she was lying in Metro on life support.

My UPS driver's 23 year-old son, lost his job, then his girlfriend, he took an overdose of pills and was found dead.

I have heard of at least two other attempts, by young people since Christmas, while speaking to others about this last night. That is just the tip of a large iceberg. Which also includes, drugs, crime, pregnancy, school, parents, abuse, and on and on.

There are people on this forum that know this topic firsthand, for terrible reasons. Back in my days of running clubs, I had two friends that killed themselves at weak moments, when it seemed the only way. Both were talented good people, that to this day effect me when I think of them. Another tried, she was in the bathroom of a party that I walked into by mistake as she had not locked the door. She was on the side of the bathtub cutting her wrists. She had found her boyfriend with another woman. I was able to stop her from wrist two, apply pressure, wrap the wrist, walk her out of the party and take her to the hospital. Today she is a mother of three and the grandmother of one.

Last night I was thinking, that maybe even a wrong number, would have broken that girl's chain of thoughts, and stopped that tragedy. Anything could have given her more time to think it through, and maybe see the next day.

I have met your parents, I have met Thealexa's, you two are very lucky, you have really great parents. I was lucky, I could talk with my mother about anything. My stepfather, well another story. Not everyone has that, not everyone feels that. In the hours that lead to all of these tragedies, those people felt like they were the only ones on earth, that no one could possible understand what they were going through. They were not the 19-year-old photographer with the wisdom of Buddha. They were afraid, alone, scared, and oh so wrong, thinking no one cared.

There has to be a way...

FWIW


PS Ivor, what holiday are we shopping for?

.

[Stephanie Toole]

A few years ago I stumbled across a fantastic book a the LPL.

"The Road To Whatever" by Elliott Currie.

It is for me, by far, the best book I have ever read on teen issues. I highly recommend it to everyone who works with teen, has a teen, coaches teens, etc...

Here is a link to a review of the book: http://www.mindconnection.com/books/roadtowhatever.htm

[Dee Martinez]

I know a little bit about what happened Chat Room. While Paula may not know me on a first-person basis, we have several mutual friends. I'm sure I have the story straight.

The Chat Room was Paula's inspiration when she showed up one Sunday morning at Trinity and found a kid sleeping on the steps of the church. She was able to convince Trinity's elders to donate the space and cobble together a little funding and volunteer work to keep it going for a while.

At some point the funding ran out, and Trinity is a church which is flush with cash itself, so it needed the income from the rental space, which the church owns. The Chat Room is now the 56W restaurant.

As someone who had a teen at the time, I know one of the problems is that teens are the most tribal and cliquish of any group. If one group hangs out in a place, others will avoid it like the plague. The idea that ONE place could be a central spot for all Lakewood teens or adolescents
is well-meaning but misguided.

I would recommend that, rather than thinking all 14 year olds will want ot congregate in the same place, that Lakewood look at WHICH teens need the most attention and what they are most likely to respond to. Shoot at smaller targets and get more done.

[Dee Martinez]

I'm sorry for a typo in the previous post. I meant to say that Trinity is NOT flush with cash. It is from what I understand, struggling the way many other Lakewood churches are.