The Observation Deck

A rabbi, priest, lawyer, traveling salesman, blond and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and inquires, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?". "No", replied the rabbit.

The bear then proceeded to grab the rabbit and wipe his behind with it. "Thanks!", the bear replied as he scampered away.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo
elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon?

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling
to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played
it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but
also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:



"Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

.

Everyone on the deck is a writer. Some perhaps more so than others. These are not jokes as much as they are just funny....

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

Underwear in the dryer without Cling Free. My day had started out all right until I read that

Thanks....great way to start the day!

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, Make
the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as
the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly
at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee
in the boat."

Here are some musician jokes. Sad part is most of them are true.

Q: There's a knock at the door; how do you know it's the guitar player?
A: Thay can't find the right key.

Q: There's a knock at the door; how do you know it's the drummer?
A: It speeds up.

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21; 1 to screw it in, and 20 to get "fallin' down drunk."
Q: There are 2 cars speeding down the highway in opposite directions, passing each other at an incredible rate of speed. One is driven by a trombonist, the other by a frog. What's the difference between the two?
A: The frog may be on his way to a GIG!

Q: What was inscribed on the bluesman's tombstone?
A: "Well, I didn't wake up this mornin. . . ."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.


Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?

A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.



Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Q: Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche outside?"

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention, alarm and force everyone to move out of
range.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violists’ fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting orchestra
player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors noticed?

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonald’s.

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists’ heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.

Mark Allan Crnolatas

An elderly man suffered a massive stroke. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God!!!" cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."